I flip up the tray table and shove my worn leather purse under the seat in front of me before the words ring throughout the A3-30: "As a reminder, please fasten your seatbelts and stow all carry-ons to prepare for takeoff." The flight attendant speaks again, and as per her suggestion, I "sit back and relax" but as I begin to enjoy the sweet solitude of my thoughts, this need to reminisce settles in me... It's all so familiar- I slipped off my shoes at Security, killed time scanning magazings at an airport shop, watched my luggage as I sat in the boxy Gate seats, stood in line to board the plane...
Upon arrival in the plane, I find my seat and oh! Luck! The flight attendants left goodies! As I unwrap my blue blanket (taking care not to get shocked by the static as I toss it over my jeans), anticipation rises... Who'll it be today? Five minutes pass... could it be?? A free seat next to me?! I pray that no straggler will come runnings on, searching for seat 32B. At last, the "click" shut of the aircraft quells my fears and an accented voice overhead waelcomes me. Yes, the greatest of my fears has passed- not even the turbulent take-off can flip my stomach anymore. It's actually comforting to hear the familiar voice overhead, "This is your captain speaking..." Hoorah hoorah! My Captain!! It's good to hear from you old friend! Indeed, "My captain speaking" has taken me all over the globe in the last 7 months... From the smell of sweat seeping into an India-bound plane in September, to a 3am offer of salty porridge en-route to Hong Kong, to a sleep-filled winter flight to Germany, I never could have imagined that I'd be starting at the "Ethiopian Air" logo on the seatback screen in front of me.
But here I am.
And why is it that I find myself flying to yet another continent? I have but one thing on my mind: I want to know the love of G-d more deeply. It seems that along-side all the familiarity of flying, there's something different in me this time: a renewed conviction that "the kingdom of G-d is within me." I flew to India with hopes to gain spiritual knowledge, and I left for Germany wanting to know G-d more. This year has taken me across the globe, yet one thing is clearer than ever: Truth is within me. The last couple of weeks, the speakers in Herrnhut talked about knowing the power within me and knowing that G-d is individual, and wants a real, personal relationship. Indeed, focusing on constant prayer this past week has reminded me of the peace that comes through Jesus. The G-d of the Universe wants a relationship with me! Thinking back to December, I remember a conversation that challenged me more than ever before...
"Jesus didn't come to say, 'worship me,'" Thor stated, he came to say, 'seek after this enlightened state that I've found.' It's not about an external G-d. No, it's all in you." Something in the way this dred-clad man in India said it made me question everything- who is Jesus? Is G-d personal? Is there a G-d? For the first time in my life, I let these questions sink deeply and penetrate not just my mind, but my spirit. And I was left, broken. What came out of it though, was priceless. I had the conviction that no one can tell me what truth is but ME. I realized that the answers I was seeking weren't going to come from a conversation with a guru in India, or even from talking to Christian friends back home. No, I wanted an understanding of G-d that is beyond the knowledge that circular theological conversations could bestow.
And this is precisely it. As people, we constantly seek knowledge without understanding. It's simply in our nature. Take the story of Adam and Eve: The serpant offers them knowledge, saying, "'G-d knows that when you eat of [the fruit] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil...' When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was... desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it." And when she took the fruit, indeed, she could see like G-d. She had knowledge like G-d, but lacked the understanding of the knowledge implied. Fast forward to Jesus' time, and as Matthew 13 explains, Jesus talked to many different people about the kingdom of G-d. He bestowed knowledge on so many. But one verse is more confusing. Jesus says to the disciples, "'The knowledge of th secrets of the kindgdom has been given to you, but not to them....'" The passage goes on to say, "Through seeing they do not see, through hearing they do not hear or understand." It seems odd ... but who did Jesus say has the true knowledge? His disciples. The ones who had a relationship with him. So what does this mean? It means that it's not just about an intellectual knowledge of G-d, but a relationship with G-d. As O'Malley put it (paraphrased), so often we try to know about G-d, when we really want to know G-d. This is the conclusion I came to in India: no one telling about G-d can satisfy my need to know G-d. Ultamitely, this seems to be the central point of life: know G-d. When Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they wanted to know about G-d. But in reality, they were already standing in the Garden of Eden, where they could have known G-d by looking around (this last point is paraphrased from Bill Haardt's!! book, The Virgin Point- check it out)! Signs of G-d's protection and love were all around them. It seems that Jesus is saying this same message: "the kingdom of G-d is within you" (Luke 17:21). What we need is a relationship with G-d! Then we can gain a "peace of G-d that transcends all understanding" (Phil 4:7). Yes, I will still have questions about my faith and about G-d. But as I seek both knowledge AND relationship with G-d, there will be a peace that transcends my mental capacity to know about G-d. The peace at our core that Ignatian theology would describe as consolation- from G-d.
I can keep traveling. I can go to every nation and ask theological questions and hope that someone will give me peace in what I don't understand. But the reality is that every time I get on a plane, someone is going to come over the PA with these words, "This is your captain speaking." Because (apologies in advance for the somewhat cheesy metaphor..) it's in the journey that G-d is with us, wanting us to know Him(/Her) more and drawing me closer. Sure, knowledge might come in the destination, but it's about a constant journey with G-d that will bring the peace that transcends our hearts and minds. May peace be the journey! "This we ask in the name of our Captain, who is Jesus Christ" (Sir Francis Drake). Cool runnings!!!
